Freakin' Old Random Musings

My friends, I present to you the oldest of my miscellaneous brain farts.

August 16, 2003

Y'know why I think Pachinko Sexy Reaction is so popular now? People realized it's really easy to play one-handed.

You wouldn't think I could ever find a small-breasted anime character cute, but after discovering Beatrice Ratio, things have changed.

My opinion on the 'Girls gone wild' series of videos- you don't need a gateway video to porn.

Either my parents have not noticed the fact that my new 'Betterman' wallscroll clearly features, in the background, a topless Sakura (and NO, I did NOT initially notice this!!), or they are more tolerant of this stuff than I realize.

Has ANYONE been able to find the translated 'Battle Royale' novel yet?

I notice that the bust sizes of all things female in 'Saber Marionette' are quickly increasing and all I can say is 'yay'!

I am a dead man if the 'thumbs-up' becomes a gang sign.

'Most Extreme Elimination Challenge' once again proves the phrase 'it's funny when other people get hurt'.

Anime fans online sure are friendly.

I really wish that Japanese CG site owners had a free hosting service they could turn to instead of closing their sites.

If, for whatever reason, the server dies here and my data is lost, you'll never read my stories again.

To all people who list off their mp3s online: IF YOU DON'T HOST THE MP3s, WE DON'T CARE.

Konami teases me. Their games have such great music and they never provide sound tests.

It's not fair how all males have an obvious weak point and females don't.

RPGs. Okay, I see the point behind placing the ultimate bad guy's elite death squads close to the ultimate bad guy, but why the hell does that rule ALSO apply to the equipment that can best help you survive long enough to see 'em?

How the hell does Hyatt keep dying like that?

Admit it, if you were to download or buy an 'RPG Maker' program, your first act would be to create the world's stupidest RPG on purpose.

G-cup- gooooooood.

Programmers- Your upgraded versions of Paint, as cool the things as some of them can do are, are not worth any more than 20 dollars.

I hate chat rooms. They remind me of Jerry Springer- no matter the topic, within 10 minutes of the start it will turn into a pointless discussion about sex with enough swear words to make George Carlin groan, with no one in the room weighing any less than 200 pounds.

Who'd win in a fight, you suppose- Akira Koizumi or Naru Narusegawa?

Avoiding spam is easy. Simply register a name no one can spell correctly.

Whatever happened to Takahiro Kimura?

I saw the new art-style to Variable Geo and all I can say is "WHYYYYYYY?!"

To the people who release 'unrated' versions of ALREADY R-rated movies: Give it up, little is stopping you from including that crap in the first place.

Wanna hear a way we can get the RIAA to shut up about file-sharing? Have 'em keep track of all the movies, CDs, whatever the hell each person alive DOES buy, then get them to keep track of the same stuff that each person downloads. Once the value of the latter exceeds that of the former, then fine, go ahead and bust 'em.

I heard, just a minute ago, of a plan to stop smoking from a radio commercial, regardless of how long you've been smoking. I didn't bother to listen to the rest, but I assume it involves a hitman shooting you in increasingly vital body parts every time you light up.

Not long ago, I came across a channel that only plays politically-correct TV shows and movies. I do like the fact that they play mostly stuff from 1980-1995 though, I missed watching "Caucasian Males Have Difficulty Attaining Manual Vertical Propulsion".

I admit it, it's my fault Homestar Runner hasn't updated in a while. You see, I sent e-mails to Strong Bad, and whenever I get involved in something, it stops.

Why didn't Shredder ever just give the headbutt of doom with that metal helmet of his?

I just realized my initials match Akira Koizumi's...

If all else fails, kick it.

March 4, 2003

To all you chauvinists out there- the Japanese phrase for 'breasts' is 'mune-mune' (moo-NAY-moo-NAY). If any girl asks you what it means, say anything but its actual meaning or you'll ruin it for the rest of us.

Guns- Nature's way of allowing nerds to fight.

Can we all agree that calculus sucks?

Admit it, it's fun trying to get away with stuff you're really too young to do.

Not to slam on the Japanese, but I know why Japanese students are so much smarter than Americans like myself are. Anyone who can memorize all those Kanji symbols must be capable of memorizing ANYTHING.

Anime needs more mambo-based ending songs.

A question myself and others have asked- what would a Pachinko Sexy Reaction anime be like?

There is a reason why you never see midgets in serious fights. If they throw a punch straight forward, the match is OVER.

Japanese is NOT best self-taught while under a massive fever.

I notice that if I can connect a word to a sexy girl, there is no way for me to forget that word. Examples include my Uncle Tim living on HYATT Street, and FUYU (last half of Chigusa's real name, I think) being Japanese for 'winter'. That said, I kinda wish more anime girls had names I could relate to say, calculus concepts or the current day of the week.

Girls are not impressed by a person's massive recollections of fanservice moments in anime.

Here's to hoping that Vice City gets the teenagers of the 2000s into '80s music.

If I had better luck with women, I could say my lovemaking fantasy was 'me and that special someone on a soft bed covered with rose petals'. As it stands, my lovemaking fantasy is currently 'me with a female'.

The strange thing is, ice is SAFER to be on when it's cold out. You see, snow fills in most of the little divots in the ice when it's cold, increasing traction, but when it's warm enough for the snow to melt, it's basically 'step-YAAAAAH!!'

I'm sorry, but someone has to say it- Goth girls are UGLY.

One of the few things I like about the 2000s; it's fun to see just how much more ridiculous female neckwear can get.

I want there to be a font just like the one Sierra used for Quest for Glory 1 (VGA version), 2, and 4.

Just ONCE I'd like to see an all-female 'Final Fight'-styled game.

A piece of practical advice- touching lightbulbs really hurts.

Another piece of practical advice- touching heated glass also really hurts.

It turns out that cut hair never leaves the male body- it just relocates.

I don't care how much we don't like the French, calling a certain food 'freedom fries' is only going to make us look even more ridiculous.

I wonder how they get zombie sound effects in video games. My guess is that they place a microphone near a guy they've caught sleeping in their office and attempt to wake him up.

The more you want to see a bad guy die in a movie or anime, the lamer his or her death scene is.

Saori Shikijo- now SHE is a good villian.

A question I've asked myself- What's the appeal of small breasts?

One fun thing about being ignored all the time- you can say whatever you please and no one questions it.

It'd feel really, really good to hug a girl in a soft negligee.

Why is it that just about everyone in 'Final Fight'-styled games NEEDS to front-flip in mid-jump?

Some people say they want to hear the truth. These people are terrible liars.

I think we use 100% of our brains. How ELSE can you explain head wounds being instantly fatal in most instances?

I really hope canned bread is not a real product.

Sooner or later, every word in the English language will be either drug or sexual slang. Like so- 'Hey man, wanna do some plate?' or maybe 'Yo, wanna hit this alarm clock?'

To whoever the hellishly terrible English voice actress for both Yaku and Ruko Tatase is (and you know who they are), even though you're probably not reading this-
Congratulations! If you are reading this, I haven't found you... Yet... But me and many others have currently already checked 75% of the houses in the U.S... Sooner or later we're GOING to find you, and you had best not be fond of your vocal cords when we do... Best to run while you can...

I want to meet Anna Miller and give her a big hug.

February 14, 2003

People the world over would gladly pay over $250 for a device in their cars that shot straight down at the heads of anyone singing in the car. I would pay $500.

Snow's fun until you have to drive in it.

Is it me or are Excel and Hyatt's breasts getting bigger as Excel Saga goes on?

Two in the morning conspiracy theory: The rate of inflation exists solely to cause more trees to be cut down for more paper money. Once all the trees are cut down from things' prices being multiplied by ten million, we all die!

Two in the morning conspiracy theory: College tuitions are high because all the colleges are in cahoots to buy nuclear weapons on the black market and control the world.

If anyone can figure out what the anime title "I My Me! Strawberry Eggs" is supposed to mean, you are a better man than I.

Fun little thing I noticed: Liberals want to censor everything.

Mornings would be a lot more fun if women really reacted to shampoo in the same way they do in the commercials.

Also on the topic of commercials. You can bet money and always win on this- if there is a baby anywhere in the commercial, its butt WILL be shown at some point. No one understands why.

The best time to fake sick is 5 minutes after you get up.

A fun thing I do when I'm bored is come up with new ways to say that something isn't likely. My current favorite is 'I have a higher chance of peeing out of my eyes than such-and-such happening'.

I heard somewhere that Chigusa from P.S.R. was supposed to be the Japanese take on a typical American woman. This is false. If it were true, I would never have bothered making this website and I would actually stand a chance of getting to 'make a beautiful memory' with a giant-breasted cutie (as opposed to my current odds, which are lower than me shooting grenade rounds out of my ear).

I notice that when my computer's been on the Internet WAAAAY too long, music on Winamp sounds like a turntable in an earthquake.

Want safety scissors? Grab some from your local school, they're so dull that they won't cut paper, much less your fingers.

The inventor of the webcam should be publicly shot. No wait, on second thought, those who refer to webcams as 'cams'- you know the ones, they say 'hey, wuz up, check out my cam' or stuff of that nature every time you fire up Instant Messenger- THEY should be publicly shot.

December 29, 2002

Being able to see things realistically makes just about anything less fun. Example time. A good imagination- you can imagine the cutest girl ever, and you will quickly realize you will never ever see her in real life, and she most likely would not like you anyways if she DID exist.

Being rich + being realistic = The crushing realization that everybody who used to either ignore you or treat you like crap only wish to be nice to you for a slice of your cash. On the plus side, once you see through that, laughing in their faces is a good way to release the stress of that realization.

To anyone who's played Vice City- Get a tank somehow, and get the 'Greetings From Vice City' message to pop up while you are in it. You should be hearing three things: carnage, '80s music, and you laughing your ass off.

People have asked me what I would do if the most beautiful girl I had ever seen started making passes at me. My answer for about five years running has been 'wake up'.

Remember Burn-up W? Remember how it used to be one episode for twenty bucks, now it's all four for fifteen bucks? Confusing, isn't it?

No joke: The Time Crisis video game series and the Iketeru Futari anime series were both created by people named Takashi Sano. While I doubt that it's the same Takashi Sano, it's fun imagining Yuki Umemiya blowing away Koizumi in the Geyser 1 complex.

Wanna avoid getting sick? Here's what you do. Drink from a school water fountain twice a day. You'll be hit with every disease in the book, and if you don't die instantly, you'll never be sick again.

An interesting paradox- when your vacuum keeps breaking down, you can't really say it sucks.

Something I will never be able to understand- why do old computer games not want to run on newer computers? I think that's supposed to happen in order to keep people buying new games. Example- I can't get the Space Quest series to run on my computer right, so I'm gonna have to wait until Sierra comes out with a 3D remake of the entire series with useless graphic effects and 20 hours of FMV for each one of the games.

Remember the days of text parsers in adventure games? I don't.

You will never ever see a 'hardcore' dub fan. Ever.

Weird coincidence- Find something that you want to buy- doesn't matter what- that's due to come out in about four weeks. Have no more money at the time than the cost of the object you found. Try to go that four weeks without spending any money. I guarantee that something else you want'll come out in that four weeks.

I wonder why, if anime conventions are supposed to be stocked with some of the most 'hardcore' sub guys EVER, why English voice actors risk showing up. You'd think they'd have armed themselves to the teeth beforehand.

For every good thing that happens to you, two bad things will happen to off-set it.

I don't see what the big deal about me liking anime girls is. I only have to pay $20 for each girl I like to make her mine forever, as opposed to $100 for the CHANCE that I'll be with her for three weeks.

December 25, 2002

Akira Koizumi was a bitch.

Keisuke Saji was a masochist.

I use too many obscure anime references.

One thing that unites all people- we would not be saddened in the least to see the end of canned spam.

Is it really possible to conceal your feelings when you're indifferent to everything?

It's weird. I can easily tell a person that I hate them truly yet when I care for a person, I can never think of the right thing to say. I think I know why, if you screw up telling a girl you love her, you can easily screw your chance at a relationship, but if you screw up an insult, who cares? You're going to piss them off anyway.

I hear karate practitioners, as a contest, are told to take out a building WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. This amazed me until I found out by mistake that drywall succumbs very easily to a kick.

I procrastinate a lot. I think I had the November update planned in March, but I'm gonna wait to check it out.

The most unrealistic thing I have ever come across in anime isn't the giant robots or the giant wooden mallets. It's the fact that the lecherous ones NEVER hop on down to girls who very obviously want them.

I once thought about how Iketeru Futari would go if I took Saji's place. Most likely, I think I would've taken Koizumi's opening phone call as a joke, said a few obscenities, hung up, and boom. Series clear in 2 minutes. Perhaps there is a reason why it's Saji in there.

I was thrown in a fight once. It was a slammin' experience.

People tend to ignore me. That said, once during a Spanish class, I said out loud, not changing the volume in my voice from its typical level, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I dropped my pants." I got noticed.

There was once a show called Sports Night, of which I believe I am the sole detractor of. Maybe it's me but I never really thought people talking like auctioneers on amphetamines and somehow having scripts that consist of varying one line for a full 30 minutes was anything special. If I wanted THAT I coulda just hung around the high school, listening to the kids try and find yet another way to use the term 'gay' and its offshoots four times in every single @#%$ing sentence.

I'm paraphrasing something I once said, I know, but ever notice how most of the really sexy girls in anime hold the secondary or tertiary roles? Allow me to provide examples, most of which I'm sure you know. Iketeru Futari had Yuki Umemiya. Amazing Nurse Nanako had Satsuki Kaoru (she has a last name! Can ya believe it!). Adventures of Kotetsu had Kagari and Miho. Geobreeders had Yu Himehagi. Variable Geo... Okay okay, but Elena had a really minor role.

I'm almost positive that all video game characters are on steroids. There is no other way to explain why everyone is capable of jumping twice their height.

You never see a 'Special Edition' VHS.

I don't understand why the hell people love to swear so damn much.

If I ever fulfill my goal of becoming a video game designer, and I make an adventure game along the lines of Quest for Glory or Space Quest or something of that nature, I plan on having a message which I will explain after this sentence appear after being killed via gunshot. That message is: "Congratulations! You have stumbled across the invulnerability code for this game! Unfortunately, it only works while you are dead as it is only impossible to feel pain once your brain is no longer able to pick up pain signals from your nerves. Due to your brain being currently splattered all over the wall and floor, you seem to have met this requirement."

To anyone who's ever played Resident Evil 2: Do you ever get the feeling that after the Raccoon City Police Department building was built, the contractors who built it were dragged outside and shot?

If Space Quest only gave us one piece of vital information, it would be this: Never lick electrodes.

Isn't it weird how I typically eat only two meals a day yet I STILL gain weight?

November 25, 2002

I think the main reason I enjoy listening to Japanese music is because I have no idea what the lyrics are. I suspect most are even more nonsensical than American song lyrics.

I heard on a commercial for the news that some kid claims that Grand Theft Auto 3 possessed him to carjack a vehicle. This cannot be true. If GTA3 DID make him carjack a vehicle, he would have also started looking for abandoned boxes across the city and started a personal crusade to end 30 lives with a shotgun within two minutes.

It seems that every time I'm NOT looking for an anime I like or would like based on the fanservice shots, I find it. That said, Iketeru Futari should be at the Media Play within three weeks.

I think the main reason I like fanservice is because I can't find a girlfriend because girls are so busy fantasizing about having a relationship like in mushy romance shows that they can't have because there aren't enough guys like in those shows in real life and the girls won't settle for a guy who likes fanservice.

It seems like stuff I don't want to do becomes mandatory the moment before I pass the time at which I would not have to do it.

Am I the only one who finds it fun to sing 'I'm Too Sexy', only while replacing the items at the end of the original lyrics for nonsensical lyrics? An example will help. "I'm... too sexy for my Water Pik, too sexy for the salt lick, too sexy for those lyme ticks..."

I've never understood why anime villians just kick back and wait while the good guys transform into something capable of causing damage. I know I'd just go up and take a whack with a blunt weapon.

I wonder why the lechees in anime don't just pull a Jason on the lechers. I know I sometimes wanted to see Saji with a machete in the head.

It's never really explained why you are allowed to hold a maximum of 99 of any item in most RPGs. I mean, why not just round up to 100?

How the heck are the Russians able to do that damn squat-dance?

If I can say one good thing about the Macarena, it's that it proved dancing businessmen are hilarious.

You never hear the phrase 'booger' anymore.

I don't wanna sound like one of those conspiracy nuts, but I'm beginning to think that all these new STDs are being created by the government to stem overpopulation. I hope I'm not right... Although if this IS the case, I admit it would be kinda cool and exciting, I mean, me being the last human remaining alive.

It's fun trying to find unintended uses for common household items.

Fun fact: The current prime minister of Japan is named Koizumi. What could the connotations possibly be?

Just once I'd like to have someone tell me they're constipated to my face. That way, I can say 'wow, no shit?'

There are women you will meet that claim they don't care about looks or money and are instead attracted to personality and intelligence. These women are all liars or clinically insane.

I think the thing I hate most about being male is that girls expect me to make the first move, mostly so they can immediately shoot me down. On the plus side, that opens me up for one major perk of being male, that is, there's a ton of cute anime girls to look at online who are quite frankly better-looking, and since they aren't real, nicer.

Isn't it ironic how most of those 'under 3' toys they give out at fast-food restaurants seem to get hit with safety recalls more often than the 'over 3' toys?

A while back I owned a video game called 'Syndicate'. It's set in a future where most of the populace is hopped up on a mind drug called the 'CHIP' that keeps them constantly happy. I guess video games sometimes foreshadow real life, as we got Prozac about five years later.

A rule I live by: If it's American and electronic, it doesn't work.

People say that with my above-average intelligence, I'll be making a lot of money someday. I'd like that. It'd be nice to get a date, even though they're probably just plotting to kill me for the inheritance.

There's a HUGE tradeoff that comes with liking cute yet smart girls- they realize full well they can get better-lookin' and richer guys than me.

One thing I'll never understand. One of the first phrases you'll learn in Spanish is the translation for 'Where is the library'? It doesn't make much sense, considering that most of the books in the library will remain in Spanish.

November 2, 2002

One of the annoying things about having a 56k modem is that it takes two hours to download an .avi you can finish in five minutes.

I've learned how to detect the 'hardcore' people for any conceivable activity. Just figure out which ones are the biggest assholes about it.

I think the idea for subtitling anime came from a guy who saw a hentai and realized that no one knew what the Japanese phrase for 'I'm coming' is.

Hans Gruber was cool.

I have an idea to make money. It'll probably work too. I plan to go down to the docks with a tape recorder and a bowling ball. I'll drop the bowling ball on a sailor's foot and record everything he screams as I run away. I will then market it as a rap CD.

Groups of people you don't want to be in that you didn't know there was a backlash for being in include the following: anyone who hated Sports Night, people who don't give a rat's ass whether their anime is dubbed or subtitled, and people under 25 who despise the music of 2002.

Anyone who throws in a love subplot in an American movie that eventually takes the focus off of everything else in the movie needs to be kicked in the face with a golf shoe.

I really wish there were more establishments that had a bunny-suit as their uniform.

It turns out male courtship is just like Tokimeki Memorial. You can try whatever you can think of in order to impress women, but unless you have a few stats of your life above a certain level, you're dead in the water.

I don't think there's a person alive that doesn't like pizza.

Depression isn't a medical condition. It's the realization that your life is nothing more than a maelstrom of failure and wasted lies.

I'm really hoping that no one realizes that Mario Brothers promotes the use of hallucinogenics with those 'magic mushrooms'. It's even worse than Resident Evil and those 'green herbs'.

An interesting double standard in my life is that I really hate it when real women dress slutty yet I really like it when anime girls dress slutty. It's either because I hold different standards for those types or it's because I realized that most real women look freaking ridiculous in those outfits as their measurements aren't around the 45-20-38 marks.

Ever notice how armed opponents in video games can either do one of the following: kill you almost instantly or cause almost zero damage with their weapons?

A feature I decided against writing involved the factors involved in getting girls to fall in love with you. It ended with the phrase 'So how do you find love if you're like me? It's a simple equation: Cloning + Genetic engineering + Brainwashing = Your only hope'. It would not surprise me if scientists are working on cloning for this very reason.

I try to spice up telemarketers' days when they call me. The moment 'unavailable' is plastered on the Caller ID, I go for the nearest source of noise. Basically, I have done the following to telemarketers: Played clips of Iketeru Futari, sang 'Whose Line is it Anyway' songs, played irritating video game music, and screamed into the phone. Someday I plan on speaking the Spanish translations of Pedro's lines in Excel Saga.

Deep down, everyone likes fanservice.

I once planned on making a guide to watching anime, but I gave up once I realized all I had was the advice that the 'hardcore' anime fans will mock and belittle you the moment you say you can tolerate even one dub out of ten thousand for reasons only the hardcore will understand, as well as a link to the U.S. Law code that explains why you cannot blow these people away with a shotgun.

I realize that someday I'm probably going to offend someone with my site and receive a poorly-worded threat by some kid who only speaks Gangsta. Luckily, since e-mail is so fast, that gives me time to upgrade my home security system from Kitchen Knife to Kitchen Knife With Windex Sprayed All Over It on the off-chance the guy carries through.

One of the ongoing mysteries I think about in life would be exactly what would happen if my favorite anime girls were real people. Most likely, I would end up the victim of the Anime Girl Rage far too many times.

One thing I will never understand is why so many anime fans are attracted to blatant jailbait.

I'm partial to the theory of evolution. I like the idea that something was once inferior to me.

You'd think that with automatic weapons, the bad guys in movies could actually hit once in a while. I guess you don't aim all that carefully when you have 50 bullets to a clip.

I have an idea to cut down on smear campaigns during elections. Anyone who starts a smear campaign for a position is forced to fight the other guy to the death. They will both be equipped with chainsaws. The one remaining alive at the end wins the position.

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